


chemical // snk au

by linoleumfloor



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: F/M, M/M, Other, eren & reader are an ex couple, eren's just trying to get back the relationship but reader's ability to handle feelings are shit, gender neutral reader
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-10
Updated: 2016-03-10
Packaged: 2018-08-15 03:43:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8041222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/linoleumfloor/pseuds/linoleumfloor
Summary: You couldn't turn back now.
Not when he gave you that look, one where he looked like he was about to cry from frustration. One where it looked like you had betrayed him—which you essentially had. You were at fault, and now you had to fix it. For him.





	chemical // snk au

The look he gave you was filled with so much vigor, it was like he was about to kill you with his bare hands. Tensed shoulders, furrowed eyebrows, clenched fists. His entire body position gave away his feelings, but it wasn't like he was trying to hide them.

At least, you wished that was how he looked. All those years, you haven't seen him. All those years, he's managed to learn how to keep his raging temper down. Just how long had he been like this?

Yes, you were just imagining his teenage self, not this 22-ish being who had been sitting in front of you.

"Been a while, huh?" It was all he could say, to keep both of you out of the lethal-like silence in the air. "I guess you're wondering why I wanted to see you."

It may have been four years since the last encounter, but... his teal-green eyes still had the glint of 18 years in them. They always seemed like that when he looked at you. They still held so much anger, but confusion and pain swirled with it. You guessed he grew up a lot while you were gone.

Arms holding onto each other, not quite wanting to stay down by his sides, and not quite wanting to toy around with the fabric of his shirt. Eyes still looked around, nervously awaiting for something to come out of your mouth. The light sound of foot tapping could be heard, regardless of the fact that you two had been sitting in a somewhat-full coffee shop. Teeth had been anxiously pulling at his lower lip.

You still noticed the little things he did when he was awaiting answers. 

You, of course, knew why he had contacted you to be here. "Just... just tell me what you need to talk about,  Eren . It must be important if you had just bothered talking to me now, of all times," 

But you still needed to hear it from him.

"I-I... I just wanted to see you again. I know you asked me not to  try and  talk to you again but... I missed you. A lot. Please, please tell me what I did wrong and I'll try to fix myself. [Name], I never went around looking for you because I knew I would've gotten angrier and messed everything up even more, but I moved on from that mindset, for the most part.

"I just wanted to know the real reason you left me. Not the 'it's not you it's me' bullshit. The truth, that's all I want," 

Ah. He never lost his way with words. Glancing up away from him for a few seconds, you began to grip your wrists and crack your knuckles. An obvious sign that you had been nervous. Just how exactly would you tell him?

You opened your mouth to speak, but lost your words as soon as your lips parted. Your fingers subconsciously found their way to the table top that separated you and the boy—no, young man now—from getting any closer to each other. They had started drumming on the surface, another sign you had been nervous.

But why? Why exactly had you been wracked with this many thoughts of apprehension when you've had a formulated response since before you'd been called by him? It was unusual for something like this to happen. Then again, he always made you like this.

"Did you... did you really leave me... for... for no—"

"If you think I would do something like that for no reason," you cut him off as quickly as you could. Even after all this time, you haven't changed. Still quick to defend yourself in situations such as those. "then you really must have forgotten that while I am mean, cold, and a jerk... I wouldn't stoop as low as that." And of course able to know that your personality is rude, but nothing of that caliber.

"Then why won't you say anything? [Name], I've been without you for four years. There were days I did look for you, sometimes when I was desperate and feeling like shit but... give me something to work with. Anything. Being in the dark for so long hurts and it'll keep hurting until I know. And if I do, we could at least be friends again, [Name]. Please."

You couldn't turn back now.

Not when he gave you that look, one where he looked like he was about to cry from frustration. One where it looked like you had betrayed him—which you essentially had. You were at fault, and now you had to fix it. For him.

The shop had been mostly emptied at this point, the only occupants other than you and  Eren  were the workers who'd been standing at the counter playing on their phones. You could do this.

" E-Eren ," you already stuttered. Good job. Just take a deep breath and tell him. "I-I... I only... only left because I was scared. You're a good person  Eren , you have your life set. You have  Mikasa  and Armin supporting you and helping you, you have your dream job, all your high school friends still hang out with you. You're set, but I  could've  ruined that.

"Look, I understand that I don't have the best personality, and the only thing I have is the grades to keep my scholarship at the university. You could have someone who's better suited to keep up with you, not me. You'd be better off wi—" 

He cut you off with a snarl. "[Name], I said I wanted the truth. But that's not all, is it? I don't want the crap, so give it to me straight," You were both tired. You were tired of running, tired of having to keep away from him. But he never relented, never stopped chasing after you. "I can take it."

It seemed like the great chase ended today.

So what was love to you? What did it mean to you, what did a relationship built with stone that broke with bulldozing fear mean anymore? Was this a feeling, or had it been a choice? Did you ever lo-

_"Did I ever mean something to you? Or was I just another subject you had to decipher, then throw away?"_

__It was at that, your thoughts had been spurred on.

"Eren, I don't know how much I care about you, or anyone else. I don't know, and god damn does it hurt me more than it does you. Every time I see you, I don't feel shitty butterflies trying to break open my stomach and fly up my esophagus, I don't sweat like I have some sort of gland problem. 

"My god, every time I see you I feel like that I'm not going to die, drunk off my ass in some obscure part of some city. You make me feel like I'll be missed for once in such a long time, that I don't know what to do. It's an overwhelming feeling, Eren, finally thinking that I'm worth something, and it's been absent in my life for so long that... It's scaring me.

"Nearly my entire life I've been telling myself that love is unimportant to me, and that it's just some chemical reaction that compels people to fuck and make babies. It seems so useless, yet I foolishly want to experience it. Reaction after reaction, ache after ache. How am I supposed to fix myself when I can't even control my arms from wanting to hold you close before you leave for class?

"It's terrifying because I think of love as a feeling, but it's not. It's a choice. You're a choice, one of the most important ones that I've had to make. It was a choice whether or not I could help make this— no, _us_ work but I couldn't because even though I have dreams of settling down with someone, I can't have that life. I want it, but I don't deserve it.

"You shouldn't be with me again. I keep saying I'm scared, but don't you notice something else about me? Don't you see I'm so selfish, so horrible? I took away what you wanted just because I felt trapped, felt alone even though I could talk to you. I broke your heart, and a simple 'Sorry' isn't going to help. Eren, maybe I love you, but..."

You silently debated on walking out on him once more, or staying just to hear his thoughts.

Did you really want the image of him having to deal without you again? Had you been heartless enough to dump your feelings of insecurity on him, then leave him stranded with the idea of you being too... wimpy and frail to be with him again?

You supposed the answer had been yes.  


**Author's Note:**

> gross  
> have this disgusting fic filled with my messed up rantings and thoughts of what love is. it's trash like me so u should shame me for it or something.  
> honestly this was just written so i could get my mind off of the fact that i'm too "unloveable." it's such a complicated topic and the fact that i find myself repulsive constantly is probably why i have so many problems whoops.  
> feel free to tell me abt what i need to edit or fix or if i need to stop making my feelings into writings or whatever. u should also tell me if i need 2 continue this haha.  
> i have 2 get back 2 writing some other fics. you know, my trashy fics ahha.  
>  ~~im only proud of the fact that i was able to put in the way that i'd probably die. alone, an alcoholic, and in a forest. lmao im pretty pathetic.~~


End file.
